Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize