I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
