Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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