my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
