what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize