Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
