I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
