I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
