I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
