you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
