he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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