Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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