if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have demons in me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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