Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
