You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
