When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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