he shaved USA in his pubs
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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