Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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