allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
