Buhtt sex?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
