I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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