The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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