Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize