His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
