Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
