Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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