Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
