I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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