Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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