I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
