Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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