Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize