I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
