"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
