So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
