someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
