I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
