like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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