i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
