I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
