Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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