Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
