end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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