beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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