i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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