My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
