I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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