I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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