Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
