I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
