What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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