I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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