And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
