I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
