Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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