Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
