Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
