...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
