The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
