there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
